I can text with my tongue
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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