Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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