I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
