You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
