gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
