seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
