I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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