I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
