I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
