Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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