Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
