Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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