she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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