Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
