Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
