I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
