I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
