if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
