i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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