Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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