Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
