i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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