Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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