i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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