"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
