i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have aggressive nipples.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
