Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
