My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
