Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
