either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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