I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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