You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
