every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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