i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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