Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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