I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
