some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
