guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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