i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
