i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
