can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
