i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
