I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
