All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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