Someone shit on the floor
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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