i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
