listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
