On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
