Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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