Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
