why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
