I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
