Well douche your snatch and let's go!
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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